The Greater Guay

As a peremptory disclaimer, yes I realize this is a silly, sophomoric exercise.  Yes, I realize I haven't been in or near Paraguay for half a decade.  And yes I realize it's comparing apples and oranges. 

But I like oranges more than apples.  So...

Let's get ready to ruuuuuummmmmbbbbbllllleeeee!!!! 

Incoming score based on mate and beaches:  P1 - U1

We´ll start with the basics of human survival:
* Food (generalized) - Uruguay makes the chivitos, and Paraguay made me eat cow intestines.  In general I prefer the Paraguayan approach to food (simple stuff in large quantity) over the French-ish Uruguayan approach (lots of effort put into complex little morsels of food), but cow intestines are chock full of nast, and that overshadows everything else.  Point Uruguay.

* Water - I drank the tapwater all over Uruguay and was cool.  I avoided the tapwater at all costs in Paraguay and still got the sprints.  Point Uruguay. 

* Shetler - Shelter is shelter, and shelter is cheaper in Paraugay.  A lot cheaper.  Point Paraguay. 

In fact, everything is cheaper in Paraguay.  Bonus point Paraguay. 

* Beer - I don´t remember anything about Paraguayan beer, but there´s no way it could be worse than Uruguayan.  Plus, though it isn´t technically beer, Paraguayans make a liquor called caña, which is a bigger, burlier, blue-collar cousin of rum.  It´s not to be f***ed with.  Point Paraguay. 

That's P4-U3. 

Next category will be national character and associated symbols:

* Flag - 

Paraguay - Snooze
           

Uruguay -  Anthropomorphic sun for the win

Point Uruguay. 

* Money - Paraguay may have the bigger numbers (you call it inflation; I call it monetary virility), but Uruguay has, by far, better mustaches on its national heroes.  Look at this guy:

He's a poet.  They have a poet on their money.  And the back of this bill has a topless woman on it.  Point Uruguay. 

* National mythos - This is a tough one.  Uruguayans have a good story.  They were part of Argentina, but broke off under the leadership of the 33 Exiled Orientals (a most excellent name for a liberation army) and formed their own little cowboy state.  They're independent-minded, pragmatic, cool-headed, tough as leather.  They're lovers, not fighters, but they're also fighters so don't get any ideas.  They've built a country that works, and they're rightfully proud of it.

Then there's Paraguay.  Brooding, nationalistic little Paraguay.  In the mid-1800's they were ganged up upon by Brazil, Argentina and Uruguay in an event dubbed (for obvious reasons) the War of the Triple Alliance, and had the majority of their population exterminated in six years.  We're talking 80% eradication.  Genocide.  They were underpopulated until midway through the 20th century because of it, and they're still pissed today.  Just a few generations after that war, they got into it with Bolivia over a big expanse of arid nonsense called the Chaco in northern Paraguay.  They fought off the Bolivians, again losing incredible numbers of men.  Thing is, after all this fighting and a near brush with extermination , Paraguay today is still tenacious about holding onto its Paraguay-ness.  It makes almost all its own stuff - prior to MERCOSUR's birth in the early 1990's it hardly imported or exported anything.  It's poor as can be, but maintains a navy whose sole job is to patrol the two rivers that make up its borders with Argentina and Brazil.  Because screw those guys.  Most Paraguayans speak Spanish, but their primary language is Guarani (which, as an aside, often becomes an issue for foreigners who travel there expecting to practice Spanish and instead have to learn to say words like "Paraguay").  They don't look ethnomorphically European like most Argentines and Uruguayans, they look indio, and they're proud of it.  They're proud of having held on to their heritage despite the whole world whaling on them for 150 years.  They're tenacious.  Like that kitten in the motivational poster. 

And I dig that.

Point Paraguay.   

* Elapsed time since last military dictatorship - Paraguay: 21 years (Stroessner ousted in 1989); Uruguay: 26 years (Alvarez booted in 1984); Point Uruguay.

Updated scorecard: P5 - U6.

Next category - Infrastructure:

* Public Health - I could get into all sorts of UN-compiled statistics here, but really I'd just be pulling them all off Wikipedia and who knows how accurate or interesting any of it would be.  Instead I'll point out that Paraguay has Chagas disease.  Not much of it, but more than Uruguay, which claims to have none of it.  In Paraguay, if this beetle bites you or poops in your eye:

your life has just changed.  You now have Chagas, and Chagas is not something you wanted.  You'll get flu symptoms for a few days, then everything will be cool for a few years, and then there's something like a 30% chance that your heart, nerves and stomach will just all of a sudden stop working.  You will die a very, very undesirable death. 

The hell with that.

Point Uruguay. 

* Transportation - Paraguay's roads outside the capital are inexplicable.  Go build a cobblestone street, but make sure not to use any flat, smooth stones.  If you find two stones that seem to fit well together, make sure they don't end up adjacent.  If you would, actually, go out of your way to scavenge for the craggiest, lumpiest most awkward rocks you can find, and be sure to arrange them in the most preposterously ill-fitting manner possible.  Be devious - make sure all the sharpest points are facing up.  Now stuff easily erodible dirt in between all those rocks and strew about some broken glass and pieces of metal.  Well done.  The Paraguayan Ministry of Transportation admires your work and would like to talk to you about a career in public service. 

Uruguay, on the other hand, has roads that actually represent an improvement over the underlying dirt.  Point Uruguay. 

* Capital city - Paraguay has Asuncion, a big, yellowed sprawl of a city with a remarkably accessible sewage system.  Just step into the street.

That's not really fair - there's a lot to like about Asuncion if you see it in just the right light while you're in just the right mood.  But Montevideo has been named, time and time again, the safest, most livable city in all of Latin America.  Better than Buenos Aires, better than Havanna, better than Valparaiso (sorry Rizos).  Plus the name Montevideo makes me break out into an old Blockbuster Video jingle every time I hear it.  Point Uruguay. 

* Big national projects - Ever played Boggle?  Or seen the King of the Hill episode about Boggle?  It´s that game where a bunch of random letters get thrown out on a table and you have a few minutes to make as many words out of them as you can.  There are two different strategies.  One is to try to come up with a whole bunch of little 4-letter words and rack up points by tiny increments.  The other is to sit there staring quietly at the board until you find that one 12-letter word that nets you a barrel of points and also wows the crowd.  If you´re playing boggle in front of crowd.  

That´s what this category is like, cause while Uruguay clearly has the better roads, better ports, better water systems, better airports and better...pretty much everything, Paraguay has Itaipú dam, the second biggest hydroelectric juggernaut in the world.  They neglected everything else in their public infrastructure and put all their eggs in the dam basket.  And you know what?  It´s a good dam.  And I like 12-letter words.  Point Paraguay. 

Updated scorecard: P6 - U9.  Uruguay's trying to pull away, but who knows which Guay will carry the day after...the LIGHTNING ROUND!

Paraguay has Ciudad del Este, which is more or less a landlocked Singapore (minus the canings for spitting out your gum).  It's a free port, and 24 hours a day it's bustling full of illegal things being smuggled about by some of the most unsavory characters in South America.  Interesting (if dangerous) place.  Point! 

Uruguay has a city called 33 (Treinta y tres).  Where you from?  33.  That's goofy.  Point!

In Paraguay I saw a cow with one horn facing up and the other facing down.  Point!

Uruguay both hosted and won the first World Cup in 1930.  Point!

But the World Cup wasn't then what it is now.  This is the Argentinean goalie they had to beat to do it:

Point retracted. 

Paraguay has chipa:

The lovechild of a torrid affair between a piece of hardtack and a hunk of stale cornbread, chipa was reviled by most foreign visitors I knew.  But I loved the stuff, and I loved buying it on buses from women carrying enormous plates of it on their heads.  Warm and fresh, it's delicious.  A few hours old, it hardens into a formidable projectile.  Point! 

You can fit more than two Uruguays in Paraguay.  I'm from Texas.  Bigger is better.  Point! 

...whew.  

At the end of the lightning round our final score is.....

Paraguay 10 - Uruguay 10.  

A tie?  A TIE?  

A tie.  A dead-heat, photo-finish-verified, kissing-your-Guayan-sister tie.  

No dice.  I won't have it.  

I hereby executively declare the greater Guay to be...

The United States of A-freakin'-merica.  USguAy!  USguAy!  USguAy!

Don't act so surprised.  We always win.  We're the Yankees.